The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
