listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
