this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
