it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
