i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize