I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
