I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
