I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize