She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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