My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
