My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
