my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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