Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize