I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
