I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
