every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
