i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
