You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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