i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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