wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
