Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I pour the whiskey from now on
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
You left your phone here
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