I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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