My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
