my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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