You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
