In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
