ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
did you just send me my own nude
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
