just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Come share oat with me in your robe
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
