Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
