Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize