I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
