I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
