lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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