I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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