the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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