My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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