just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
