I wish my penis had an off switch
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
