Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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