You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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