i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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