I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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