I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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