I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Naked Twister starts at high noon
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize