Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
