I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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