so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
