My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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