The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
