from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Randomize
