I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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