Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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