A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
