Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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