A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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